Rebuilding Trust in Your Relationship

Rebuilding trust in your relationship can feel like an uphill battle if you don’t even know where to start and what’s important to look at. 

In this blog post I share a few things you can start doing to repair the trust between you and your partner.

First: Get to know the Four Core Needs of a Secure Relationship

A concept I learned from my teacher, Jayson Gaddis, the four core needs of a secure relationship include feeling:

1. Safe

2. Seen

3. Soothed

4. Supported/Challenged

Take some time to reflect and write down what behaviors help fulfill those needs for yourself in your relationship. If you can only think of what doesn’t make you feel these things, write those down first and then imagine the opposite or what you would prefer instead. You can also think of times you have felt safe, seen, soothed, and supported in the past and what factors were present. Have your partner do this as well and then set time aside to share this with each other.

Second: Commit to supporting your partner’s needs while advocating for your needs

What?! What if their needs contradict my needs?! It’s normal for this to happen sometimes. Perhaps you want to spend quality time with your partner tonight but they want to spend time alone working on their art. Instead of creating a story in your mind that your partner doesn’t love or care about you, empathize with them and then express how you feel and what you would like. It could sound like,

“I know your art is important to you and I support you devoting time to it. I also miss you and would love to plan a date soon. When are you available this week?”

OR 

“I want you to have time for your art tonight because I know it’s important to you. I’ve also had a rough day and I’d really appreciate it if you could hold me and soothe me. Would you have the capacity for that after you’re done?”

Third: Apologize sincerely when you mess up! 

You’re gonna mess up and your partner is going to mess up sometimes throughout the rest of your relationship. Learning to apologize sincerely will help build and maintain trust. Here’s how you do it:

1. Get curious about how the other person feels

2. Reflect on your actions and their impact on your partner

3. If you don’t know what you can do differently next time, ask them

4. Conclude with, “I hear that [insert action] made you feel [insert feeling]. I’m sorry. Next time I’ll do my best to [insert preferred action].

If you don’t know why you’re apologizing except for wanting to end the suffering of the conflict, it is NOT a sincere apology. Know why you are apologizing. 

BONUS: Daily intention and appreciate rituals

To help rebuild the trust in my relationship after a rough and stressful time, we practiced a morning ritual of sharing our intention of how we wanted to show up for the other that day. For example,

“My intention today is to practice asking clarifying questions instead of making assumptions.”

“My intention today is to speak to you with love and compassion.”

At night, before going to sleep, we practiced sharing one thing we appreciated about each other from the day. For example,

“I appreciate how you showed up for me when I felt upset about work.”

“I appreciate the way you asked for help clearly and calmly when you needed it today.”

That’s a lot to chew on for now.

Try practicing these things with your partner and notice what changes. Notice what challenges come up. And if you’re still feeling lost and frustrated, consider working with a professional. As a relationship coach, I offer personalized support to help get you real results for your relationship challenges. If you'd like to see if we'd be a good fit, schedule a free consultation.

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